Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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