i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
