drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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