It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
