It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
