Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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