Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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