In America we eat man semen.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
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Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
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pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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