i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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