Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
