Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
