I just pynch a tree in the face
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
