After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
