Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
