so that wasnt chicken after all
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
