Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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