I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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