You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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