I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
