No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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