i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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