I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
