You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
