Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
25 Men Confess The Moment They Knew They Wanted To Marry Their Wife
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You Wouldn’t Guess That These 25 Celebrities Are Complete A**holes
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.