i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
