I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
