he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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