I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
