After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
