and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just threw up on my dentist
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Randomize
