You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
