Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
