I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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