i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
