it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
