Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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