repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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