I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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