i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
