How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
