I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
