There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize