I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
