A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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