Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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