I'm so fucking centered right now
their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
