I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
