I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
