did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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