I can't watch pbs sober anymore
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
