i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
