he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
