The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
