she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
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I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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