yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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