There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
