yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
