dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Just high enough for therapy.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
