so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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