Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
