I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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