I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
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You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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