I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
