I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
