he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
